Avigsidans hemsida

Innehållsförteckning

Tipsa en vän

Klassiker

Här finns en del av de längre listor och annat som varit med på Avigsidan. Eftersom det ibland kommer förfrågningar om dem har jag samlat dem på den här sidan.

Instruktioner för idioter

Tidskriften New Scientist har tittat närmare på olika produkters märkningar och instruktioner. Man kan undra om dessa är skrivna av eller för idioter.

På en förpackning Tiramisu (efterätt):
Vänd inte upp och ner. (Tryckt på undersidan av förpackningen).

På hostmedicin för barn:
Kör inte bil efter att ha tagit denna medicin.

På sömntabletter:
Varning: Kan orsaka sömnighet.

På en julljusslinga:
För inomhus- eller utomhusbruk endast.

På jordnötspaket:
Innehåller jordnötter.

På annat jordnötspaket:
Instruktion: Öppna paketet, ät innehållet.

Backspeglar på amerikansk bil:
Kom ihåg - föremål som syns i spegeln befinner sig bakom dig!

Insektsspray:
Dödar alla insekter. Varning - farligt för bin.

Strykjärn:
Stryk ej kläder när ni bär dem på kroppen.

Motorsåg:
Försök ej stoppa kedjan med händerna.

På en hårtork:
Använd ej när du sover.

På en påse Pommes Frites:
Du kan vara en vinnare! Inget köp krävs. Läs mer i förpackningen. (Snatteri-special.)

Färdiglagad, frusen mat:
Serveringsförslag: Tinad. (Men det är *bara* ett förslag)

På en duschmössa:
Passar till ett huvud.

Fiskgratäng:
Produkten är varm efter uppvärmning. (Är du säker?)

Japansk hushållsassistent:
Ej att använda till det andra ändamålet. (Va?)

Helena

Följande autentiska berättelser visar vad en amerikansk resebyråtjänsteman måste stå ut med när kundernas kunskapsnivå inte är av alltför imponerande slag:

I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Cape town. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape town is in Massachusetts."
Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape cod is in Massachusetts, Cape town is in Africa." Her response ... click.

A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state."

I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said, "But they look so close on the map."

Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1 hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."

A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" ( I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."

A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."

A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."

A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"

Klas

Hej!

De här har jag fått av en kompis, så jag vet inte vem som ursprungligen skrev ner dem, men bra är de i alla fall!

Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American ad campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."

The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax" depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, "ko-kou-ko-le," which can be loosely translated as "happiness in the mouth."

In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" came out as "Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead."

Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off."

The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem - Feeling Free," got translated in the Japanese market into "When smoking Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty."

When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that "no va" means "it won't go." After the company figured out why it wasn't selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.

Ford had a similar problem in Brazil when the Pinto flopped. The company found out that Pinto was Brazilian slang for "tiny male genitals". Ford pried all the nameplates off and substituted Corcel, which means horse.

When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." However, the company's mistakenly thought the spanish word "embarazar" meant embarrass. Instead the ads said that "It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."

An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of the desired "I Saw the Pope" in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed "I Saw the Potato."

Chicken-man Frank Perdue's slogan, "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," got terribly mangled in another Spanish translation. A photo of Perdue with one of his birds appeared on billboards all over Mexico with a caption that explained "It takes a hard man to make a chicken aroused."

Hunt-Wesson introduced its Big John products in French Canada as Gros Jos before finding out that the phrase, in slang, means "big breasts." In this case, however, the name problem did not have a noticeable effect on sales.

Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno mag.

In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water.

Japan's second-largest tourist agency was mystified when it entered English-speaking markets and began receiving requests for unusual sex tours. Upon finding out why, the owners of Kinki Nippon Tourist Company changed its name.

En del av de här språkmissarna lär inte vara helt sanna, utan får hänföras till avdelningen moderna myter. Men roligt är det i alla fall.
Avigmastern

Då bryter vi ihop!

Hälften går åt höger, hälften till vänster och resten stannar i mitten!

Vi har bränt våra skepp i båda ändarna.

Vi har ju varit inne i en djup cirkel!

Kom igen nu killar! Knäna i knähöjd!!!

Nu grabbar går vi ut och tar på oss plåtstället!

Vi tog emot dem med öppna servetter!

Jan Möller är bra efter marken så har du läge, skjut över ribban.

Ni tre spelare bildar en kvadrat på mittplan.

Grabbar, ni jobbar för dåligt och är alldeles för loja. Får jag se den minsta lojalitet i den andra halvlek byter jag ut er direkt.

Det var en morot för hela laget, men den brann upp.

Det var en match med två halvlekar.

Det var en bra match idag. De spelade som älgar på grönbete.

Man får inte smaka av kakan om man inte bjuder till!

Det finns inga järnvägar till framgång.

Kom igen nu grabbar! Nu börjar vi om från cash!

Vi halkade in som ett bananskal!

Före matchen är grabbarna lite nervösa, men när de går in på planen ska det tindra under fötterna på dem!

Hela säsongen har vi stått och balanserat på ett bananskal

Nu går vi ut och visar var båten skall stå

Lugn grabbar, ni är inte ett dugg bättre än vad de är

Träningslägret i Spanien var i Portugal någonstans

Lugn grabbar, lönen kommer radioaktivt

Nöden har ingen djungel

Vi hade dem på gaffeln men glömde att knyta till

Detta har varit en morot för oss alla och nu har den släckts!

Det är aldrig för sent att ge upp!

Okej gubbar, nu delar vi och spelar två-mål. Hälften här, hälften där och resten här.

Uffe Krohn

Roliga anslag:

Sign in a Laundromat
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

Sign in a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

Outside a farm:
HORSE MANURE PER PRE-PACKED BAG DO-IT-YOURSELF

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

On a church door:
THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR.(THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.)

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING – BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales:
THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING. IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED AFTER BEING OPENED. OPEN TOMORROW.

Outside a photographer's studio:
OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO

Seen at the side of a Sussex road:
SLOW CATTLE CROSSING. NO OVERTAKING FOR THE NEXT 100 YRS.

Outside a disco:
SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN. EVERYONE WELCOME

Sign warning of quicksand:
QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED. BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL.

Notice sent to residents of a Whiltshire parish:
DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LETTER LOUTS AND VANDALS WE MUST ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER

Notice in a dry cleaner's window:
ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF.

Sign on motorway garage:
PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS.YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR

Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

Sign on a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR – THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

Sign at Norfolk farm gate:
BEWARE! I SHOOT EVERY TENTH TRESPASSER AND THE NINTH ONE HAS JUST LEFT

Pelle Haa

Jag läste för ett tag sedan något kul i UNT (Upsala Nya Tidning), i en artikel om polismästare Julius Raab i Uppsala på 1800-talet. Han var känd för att säga vissa dumheter, bland annat:

Om Uppsalas första cyklar: "När häst möter velocipedryttaren skall han genast afstiga, leda densamma vid handen, övertyga honom om, att han är människa samt, med ett vänligt tilltalsord lugna detta af naturen så skygga djur."

Efter en drunkningsolyka: "Alla icke drunknade gossar behaga genast aflägsna sig från vaken!"

En annan drunkningsolyka: "När jag, i full uniform, passerade Nybron och blickar ner i Fyrisåns grå böljor, såg jag med egna ögon därnere i skummet en barnaröst, som viftade med armarne."

Till slut fick man en räddningsbåt placerad i ån: "Sedan, med anledning av den i Fyrisån nyligen timade drunkningsolyckan genom magistratens försorg en räddningsbåt anskaffats och förlagts invid Järnbron, ha antalet av icke drunknade betydligt ökats."

En annan gång hade ett trähus slitits med av vårfloden i Fyrisån. Polismästaren lungnade de nyfikna åskådarna, och frågade med hög röst: "Finns här någon som händelsevis har en båtshake på sig?"

Man skulle ha konsert i gamla Carolinasalen, men läktarna såg skraltiga ut. Polismästaren ingrep personligen och kunde rapportera att "han själf och konstapel Morin hade gått läktarna runt och båda egenhändigt sittande afprofvat hvarenda stolplats jämte långbänkar och därvid funnit att läktarna borde hålla utmärkt äfven vid större folktillströmningar."

Samma omistligt logiska slutledningsförmåga återfinns i en brottsplatsutredning kring ett inbrott, där ett hål gjorts i ett plank och han av hålets storlek att döma fastslår att endast en tjuv varit i farten.

En av sevärdheterna i Uppsala på den tiden var vackra Hulda i Gummessons Cigarrbod. Här samlades alla studenter på kvällarna vid stängningsdags, och det brukade uppstå en del rabalder. Polismästare Raab krävde då att cigarrboden skulle stängas, men den fick senare tillstånd att öppna igen den första i nästa månad. Raab kom dock strax på en "afsevärd och synnerligen välkommen modulation." Nämligen: "Vi skola, bäste herr Grummesson, för att undvika den naturligtvis väntade och för eder affär synnerligen gynnsamma starka rusningen, komma öfverens om att hålla stängdt den första dagen cigarraffären åter skall öppna."

Vid en brand i Uppsala, när Raab kom springande i spetsen för sina konstaplar, trängde han sig fram genom folkmassan med orden: "Undan med sig! Ni hindrar ju eldsvådan!"

Till sist, angående vintervädret: "När ny snö fallit, skall den gamla genast undanskaffas."

Magnus Krantz

Att döma av följande personalomdömen är det nog inte så lätt att vara chef. Heller.

Quotes taken from Actual Federal Employee Performance Evaluations

• Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.".

• "I would not allow this employee to breed."

• "This employee is not really so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."

• "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

• "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

• "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

• "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

• "He sets low personal standard and then consistently fails to achieve them."

• "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

• "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."

• "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together."

• "A gross ignoramus – 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

• "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

• "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

• "He's been working with glue too much."

• "He would argue with a sign post."

• "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

• "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

• "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."

• "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

• "A prime candidate for natural de-selection"

• "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

• "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

• "Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

• "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

• "If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

• "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

• "It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

• "One neuron short of a synapse."

• "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

• "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes."

• "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."

Annakarin & Pie

Följande godbitar ut engelska skoluppsatser har skickats till Avigsidan så många gånger att vi nu till slut ger upp och tar in dem. De finns på många andra ställen på nätet.

It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of the blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumsized the world with a 200 foot clipper.

The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steam boat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.

Beethoven wrote music though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music.

The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West.

John Milton wrote Paradise lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

Magna Carta provided that no man could be hanged twice for the same offence.

Moses lead the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

The greatest writer was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He wrote tragedies, comedies and hysterectomies all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of an heroic couplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

One of the causes of the revolutionary war was the English put tacks in their tea. Also the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the war and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the contented congress. Thomas Jefferson, a virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the declaration of independance. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, 'A horse divided against itself cannot stand' Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen". When she exposed herself before her troops, they shouted "Hurrah".

Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus".

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits and threw the java.

Johann Sebastian Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practised on an old spinster in the attic.

Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German and half Italian and half English. He was very large.

Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practised virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her career.

Louis Paster discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species. Madman Curie discovered raio. And Karl Marx became one of the Mark Brothers.

The first world war, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

Tee-hee, Anna F m.fl

Actual Things Said in Court:

These are 30 things people actually said in court, word for word.

1. Q: What is your date of birth?
   A: July fifteenth.
   Q: What year?
   A: Every year.
   

2. Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
   A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
   

3. Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
   A: Yes.
   Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
   A: I forget.
   Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
   

4. Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.
   A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
   Q: How long has he lived with you?
   A: Forty-five years.
   

5. Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
   A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
   Q: And why did that upset you?
   A: My name is Susan.
   

6. Q: And where was the location of the accident?
   A: Approximately milepost 499.
   Q: And where is milepost 499?
   A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
   

7. Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
   A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
   

8. Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
   A: After the accident?
   Q: Before the accident.
   A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
   

9. Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
   A: We both do.
   Q: Voodoo?
   A: We do.
   Q: You do?
   A: Yes, voodoo.

10. Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
    A: Yes.
    Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
    A: Yes, sir.
    Q: What did she say?
    A: What disco am I at?
    

11. Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
    

12. Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
    

13. Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
    

14. Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
    

15. Q: Did he kill you?
    

16. Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
    

17. Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
    

18. Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
    

19. Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
    A: Yes.
    Q: And what were you doing at that time?
    

20. Q: She had three children, right?
    A: Yes.
    Q: How many were boys?
    A: None.
    Q: Were there any girls?
    

21. Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
    A: Yes.
    Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
    

22. Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
    A: I went to Europe, Sir.
    Q: And you took your new wife?
    

23. Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
    A: By death.
    Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
    

24. Q: Can you describe the individual?
    A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
    Q: Was this a male, or a female?
    

25. Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
    A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
    

26. Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
    

27. Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
    A: Oral.
    

28. Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
    Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
    A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
    

29. Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
    

30. Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
    A: No.
    Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
    A: No.
    Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No.
    Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
    A: No.
    Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
    A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
    

Tack till Annakarin och Pie för detta bidrag.

Här kommer ytterligare några domstolsdialoger.

THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.

Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.

Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

Q. What is your brother-in-law's name?
A. Borofkin.
Q. What's his first name?
A. I can't remember.
Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?
A. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your first name!

Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A. No.

Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?

Q. What is your name?
A. Ernestine McDowell.
Q. And what is your marital status?
A. Fair.

Q. Are you married?
A. No, I'm divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn't know about.

Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?
A. My ex-widow said it.

Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good.

Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A. I will be three months November 8th.
Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A. Yes.
Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?

Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A. I should be.
Q. How many times have you comitted suicide?
A. Four times.

Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you peformed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.

Q. Were you aquainted with the deceased?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died?

Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words.

Q. What happened then?
A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q. Did he kill you?
A. No.

Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.

Q. You say you had three men punching at you, kicking you, raping you, and you didn't scream?
A. No ma'am.
Q. Does that mean you consented?
A. No, ma'am. That means I was unconscious.

Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.

Here are some of the classic questions being asked of the Sydney Olympic Committee via their Web site, and answers supplied where appropriate.

Just goes to show how stupid some people are - and that it's a good idea to leave the country in September.

I hear that all Australian women are beautiful. Is that true and if so, can you send me pictures of the available ones? (Italy)

I want to go swimming at Bondi Beach on October 20th. Will I turn blue?(Germany). (More likely brown, considering the effluent...)

Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
(Upwards, out of the ground, like the person who asked this question, who themselves will need watering if their IQ drops any lower...)

Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
(Depends on how much beer you've consumed...)

Which direction should I drive – Perth to Darwin or Darwin to Perth – to avoid driving with the sun in my eyes? (Germany)
(Excellent question, considering that the Olympics are being held in Sydney.)

I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
(Sure, it's only seven thousand miles, so you'll need to have started about a year and a half ago to get there in time for this October...)

Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
(And accomplish what?)

It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy)
(I'm not touching this one...)

My client wants to take a steel pooper-scooper into Australia. Will you let her in? (South Africa)
(Why? We do have toilet paper here...)

Are there any ATMs in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)

Where can I learn underwater welding in Australia? (Portugal)

Do the camels in Australia have one hump or two? (UK)

Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
(Why bother? Use your fingers like the rest of us...)

Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
(No. Everybody stinks.)

Do tents exist in Australia? (Germany)
(Yes, but only in sporting supply stores, peoples' garages, and most national parks...)

Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
(This HAS to have been asked by a blonde...)

Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
(Yes. Gay nightclubs.)

Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
(Yes. At Christmas.)

Can I drive to the Great Barrier Reef? (Germany)
(Sure, if your vehicle is amphibious.)

Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)
(Not yet, but we'll see what we can do when you get here.)

Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
(What's this guy smoking, and where do I get some?)

Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
(Another blonde?)

Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
(I love this one...there are no rattlesnakes in Australia)

Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
(Face North and you should be about right)

Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
(Americans have long had considerable trouble distinguishing between Austria and Australia.)

I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)

I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
(From Liz Taylor, perhaps?)

Are there places in Australia where you can make love outdoors? (Italy)
(Yes. Outdoors.)

I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)

Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)

Q-hunden hittade följande referat från händelser som inträffat på olika help desks i USA.

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."
(At this point I had to put the caller on hold to tell the rest of the tech support staff what had happened. I couldn't, however, stop from giggling when I got back to the call.)
Tech Support: "Ok, did you type 'click' with the keyboard?"
Customer: "I have done something dumb, right?"

***

One woman called Dell's toll-free line to ask how to install the batteries in her laptop. When told that the directions were on the first page of the manual the woman replied angrily, "I just paid $2,000 for this damn thing, and I'm not going to read the book."

Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message."
Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"

Customer: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
Tech Support: "Tell me what you've done."
Customer: "I typed 'A:\SETUP'."
Tech Support: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."
Customer: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."
Tech Support: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."
Customer: "What?"
Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
Customer: "No..."

***

Tech Support: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"

***

Customer: "Uhh...I need help unpacking my new PC."
Tech Support: "What exactly is the problem?"
Customer: "I can't open the box."
Tech Support: "Well, I'd remove the tape holding the box closed and go from there."
Customer: "Uhhhh...ok, thanks..."

Customer: "I'm having a problem installing your software. I've got a fairly old computer, and when I type 'INSTALL', all it says is 'Bad command or file name'."
Tech Support: "OK, check the directory of the A: drive-go to A:\ and type 'dir'." Customer reads off a list of file names, including 'INSTALL.EXE'.
Tech Support: "All right, the correct file is there. Type 'INSTALL' again."
Customer: "Ok." (pause) "Still says 'Bad command or file name'."
Tech Support: "Hmmm. The file's there in the correct place – it can't help but do something. Are you sure you're typing I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the Enter key?"
Customer: "Yes, let me try it again." (pause) "Nope, still 'Bad command or file name'."
Tech Support: (now really confused) "Are you sure you're typing I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the key that says 'Enter'?"
Customer: "Well, yeah. Although my 'N' key is stuck, so I'm using the 'M' key...does that matter?

***

At our company we have asset numbers on the front of everything. They give the location, name, and everything else just by scanning the computer's asset barcode or using the number beneath the bars.
Customer: "Hello. I can't get on the network."
Tech Support: "Ok. Just read me your asset number so we can open an outage."
Customer: "What is that?"
Tech Support: "That little barcode on the front of your computer."
Customer: "Ok. Big bar, little bar, big bar, big bar . . ."

***

Customer: "I got this problem. You people sent me this install disk, and now my A: drive won't work."
Tech Support: "Your A drive won't work?"
Customer: "That's what I said. You sent me a bad disk, it got stuck in my drive, now it won't work at all."
Tech Support: "Did it not install properly? What kind of error messages did you get?"
Customer: "I didn't get any error message. The disk got stuck in the drive and wouldn't come out. So I got these pliers and tried to get it out. That didn't work either."
Tech Support: "You did what, sir?"
Customer: "I got these pliers, and tried to get the disk out, but it wouldn't budge. I just ended up cracking the plastic stuff a bit."
Tech Support: "I don't understand sir, did you push the eject button?"
Customer: "No, so then I got a stick of butter and melted it and used a turkey baster and put the butter in the drive, around the disk, and that got it loose. I can't believe you would send me a disk that was broke and defective."
Tech Support: "Let me get this clear. You put melted butter in your A: drive and used pliers to pull the disk out?"
At this point, I put the call on the speaker phone and motioned at the other techs to listen in.
Tech Support: "Just so I am absolutely clear on this, can you repeat what you just said?"
Customer: "I said I put butter in my A: drive to get your crappy disk out, then I had to use pliers to pull it out." Tech Support: "Did you push that little button that was sticking out when the disk was in the drive, you know, the thing called the disk eject button?"
Silence. "Sir?"
Customer: "Yes."
Tech Support: "Sir, did you push the eject button?"
Customer: "No, but you people are going to fix my computer, or I am going to sue you for breaking my computer?"
Tech Support: "Let me get this straight. You are going to sue our company because you put the disk in the A: drive, didn't follow the instructions we sent you, didn't actually seek professional advice, didn't consult your user's manual on how to use your computer properly, instead proceeding to pour butter into the drive and physically rip the disk out?" Customer: "Ummmm."
Tech Support: "Do you really think you stand a chance, since we do record every call and have it on tape?"
Customer: (now rather humbled) "But you're supposed to help!"
Tech Support: "I am sorry sir, but there is nothing we can do for you. Have a nice day."

Insänt av Q-hunden

Actual reference queries reported by American and Canadian library reference desk workers of various levels. All of these situations are real and some of them were mighty embarrassing.

"Do you have books here?"

"Do you have a list of all the books written in the English language?"

"Do you have a list of all the books I've ever read?"

"I'm looking for Robert James Waller's book, 'Waltzing through Grand Rapids.'" (Actual title wanted: "Slow Waltz in Cedar Bend.")

"Do you have that book by Rushdie: 'Satanic Nurses'?" (Actual title: "Satanic Verses")

"Where is the reference desk?" This was asked of a person sitting at a desk who had, hanging above her head, a sign saying "REFERENCE DESK"!

"I was here about three weeks ago looking at a cookbook that cost $39.95. Do you know which one it is?"

"Which outlets in the library are appropriate for my hair dryer?"

"Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War battles were fought on National Park sites?"

"Do you have any books with photographs of dinosaurs?"

"I need a color photograph of George Washington [Christopher Columbus, King Arthur, Moses, Socrates, etc.]"

"I need a photocopy of Booker T. Washington's birth certificate."

"I need to find out Ibid's first name for my bibliography."

"Why don't you have any books by Ibid? He's written a lot of important stuff."

"I'm looking for information on carpal tunnel syndrome. I think I'm having trouble with it in my neck."

"Is the basement upstairs?" (Asked at First Floor Reference Desk)

"I am looking for a list of laws that I can break that would send me back to jail for a couple of months."

Always check your sources

A visitor arrived at a monastery high in the mountains. Since they didn't get many visitors, the abbot was happy to show him around. He was proudest of the scriptorium, where the monks spent hours every day making copies of precious manuscripts. "We take turns proofreading each other's work," the abbot said. "Every page is checked over at least six times to make sure that no error is introduced in the process of copying."

"And these are the original texts they're copying from?" asked the visitor.

"Oh, no," said the abbot. "We wouldn't want to take a chance on anything happening to those. We keep them safely locked in our crypt. The monks in the scriptorium use copies that were made from the original manuscripts centuries ago."

"I see," said the visitor. "But are you sure there are no errors in the copies you're copying from? I mean, it doesn't matter how carefully you copy the copies if they have mistakes in them."

The abbot chuckled. "I don't think there's much chance of that. But, when I get a little time, maybe I'll take a look at the originals just to make sure."

The next morning, when the monks assembled for prayer, the abbot was not among them, nor was he in his quarters. Joined by the visitor, the monks searched through all the monastery buildings. In the chapel, they heard muffled sobs, and after looking around for a bit they found a door open behind the altar, with a flight of steps leading down. "Where does this go?" asked the visitor.

"To the crypt," the monks told him. They all scrambled down the stairs, and found the abbot sitting at a desk. The desk was covered with ancient manuscripts, dimly illuminated by candles. The abbot was weeping as if his heart would break.

"Father Abbot," asked the monks anxiously, "what is the matter?"

The abbot raised his tearful eyes and looked at them. "It says CELEBRATE," he sobbed.

/Alf

TAKEN FROM CHURCH BULLETINS AROUND BRITAIN:

1. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptised at both ends.

2. Tuesday at 4pm there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk, come early.

3. Wednesday the ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mr. Johnson will sing "put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor.

4. Thursday at 5pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mother's Club. All ladies wishing to be little mothers please meet with the pastor in his study.

5. This being Easter Sunday we will ask Mrs. Johnson to lay an egg at the altar.

6. The service will close with 'Little drops of water'. One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

7. On Sunday a special collection will be taken towards the expenses of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet, come forward and get a piece of paper.

8. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and may be seen in the church basement on Friday afternoon.

9. A bean supper will be held on Saturday evening in the church basement. Music will follow.

10.The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

11. Tonight's sermon: What is Hell? Come early and listen to our choir practice.

12. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

13. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

14. Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

15. Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.

Insänt av M.J. Söderström

Och flera ...

Från en bekant i USA har jag fått en samling "Church bloopers" och en del av dem är riktiga små pärlor.

- Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at our church. Come tonight and hear Bertha belch all the way from Arica.

- Announcement in the church bulletin for a National Prayer & Fasting Conference: The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer Conference includes meals.

- Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 pm in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

- Miss Marlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again" giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

- Ladies, please remember our rummage sale. It is a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don´t forget your husbands.

- The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has ben cancelled due to a conflict.

- The sermon this morning "Jesus walks on water". The sermon tonight "Searching for Jesus".

- Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

- Barbara remains in hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack´s sermons.

- During the absence of our Pastor we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J F Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

- The rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break forth into joy".

- Don´t let worry kill you off - let the church help.

- Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their schooldays.

- Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn´t care much about you.

- The senior choir invites members of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

- Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

- Low Self Esteem Group will meet Thursday at 7 pm. Please use the back door.

- The eight-graders will be presenting Shakespeare´s Hamlet in the church basement Friday at 7 pm. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

- Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

- This evening at 7 pm there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

- The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment and gracious hostility.

- Weight watchers will meet at 7 pm at the First Presbytarian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

- A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

- Eight new choir robes are needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

- For those who have children and don´t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Hälsningar
Daina

Mårten skriver och berättar att han känner igen dessa. De liknar avigheter Richard Lederer samlat i böckerna "Anguished English" och "More Anguished English".
Avigmastern

Rolig lek med engelska ord, inskickat av Vandraren:

1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.

2. What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway.

3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism it's your count that votes.

6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

10. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blown apart.

14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

17. Every calendar's days are numbered.

18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.

19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

20. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

22. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

24. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat

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